


Make It Up As I Go

by Arsenal



Series: Buddie Fics [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, anger issues, buddie, i dont know how to write help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 05:52:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21405244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arsenal/pseuds/Arsenal
Summary: Eddie almost loses Buck again and is forced finally talk to Buck about his feelings.Angst with a happy ending. Eddie's pov
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544842
Comments: 8
Kudos: 379





	Make It Up As I Go

**Author's Note:**

> Speed wrote this without proof reading so hope there aren't mistakes. Title and slight inspo come from the song Make It Up As I Go by Mike Shinoda.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr as Buckely118

_ “Woke up this morning holding my head _

_ Thinking last night is one of regret _

_ Washing off the bad decisions, the blurry vision _

_ The clues that I'm still a mess _

_ Spitting out the taste I have in my mouth _

_ Knowing what this all is really about _

_ Knowing there's an explanation, an expiration _

_ I gotta figure shit out” _

Eddie let out a sigh, he was exhausted. Not the type that you could sleep off, this was the type of exhaustion that you could feel penetrating your bones and aching in every muscle. His ribs were causing a stabbing pain with every step he took up the stairwell and he was moving much slower than his partner. The only thing keeping him going at this point was that he knew this would be the last call he’d take before his shift ended. Soon he could go home and rest up so that he’d be be prepared enough to win his fight tomorrow.

“We’re running out of time, we need to move faster,” Buck said from above him, snapping him out of his thoughts. He was grateful that the other man said ‘we’ instead of pointing out that it was just him that moving slowly. Again.

“I’m gonna check this floor, you get that one and we should be clear,” he replied, nodding to the blonde.

Buck quickly disappeared into the door above him as he pushed opened the entrance to the fourth floor, smoke billowing into the stairwell and clouding his vision. 

“Hello? LAFD! Is anyone here?” he called out loudly as he worked his way carefully down the hallway.

The doors to most of the apartments were open already and after quickly breaking into the ones that weren’t it was clear this floor was empty. A small bit of relief surged through him that he wouldn’t have to worry about carrying anyone in his condition. He just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible too.

"This building is unstable, I want everyone out now," he heard Bobby’s voice crackle over the radio. 

Eddie obeyed orders and hurried down the stairs toward the lobby, body protesting with every step he took. He could hear the building moaning behind him as he exited, smoke finally thin enough he could see his surroundings clearly.

Most of the tenants appeared to be okay besides mild burns and smoke inhalation. Athena was talking to them and taking notes on her small notepad, a large frown on her face. That's when he noticed someone was missing. Buck was nowhere to be seen and Bobby was staring at the building as if waiting for something else still. _ Mierda _. Eddie had been being so impatient that he hadn’t even waited for him in the stairwell. What kind of partner was he?

"Buckley, come in," Bobby's asked calmly into his radio.

Another minute of watching the burning building passed before Bobby repeated himself, but the radio was still painfully silent. It had been way too long with no response and he could feel the panic welling in his chest. This was Eddie’s fault, he hadn’t been focused on his job because of his own selfishness.

Eddie stepped forwards to re-enter the wreck of a building but Bobby shook his head at him and held his hand out. He reluctantly stayed where he was, braced to run in against orders if he had to. The captain continued fiddling with his radio and trying to get an answer but the younger man tuned him out as the smoke grew thicker.

A large lump formed in his throat as he stared at the slowly collapsing burning mess of a building in front of him. He couldn't lose Buck again, he just got him back. And after what had happened with Shannon, how could he go home and tell Christopher he'd let Buck die too? Eddie started toward the building and away from Bobby when he heard Athena scoff from behind him.

"You're telling me that this building had a fire safety inspection done one month ago and now it's burning down as if someone filled it with gasoline?"

"W-what... Are you accusing me of what I think you are?!" The man replied angrily.

The sargent crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, "Your tenants are saying that you've been trying to evict them to sell this lot for a _ lot _ of money," she said, gesturing at the survivors being checked out behind them.

Eddie felt his blood boil. Before he even knew what he was doing he had stalked over and grabbed the man by his collar. He was vaguely aware of a thud as he slammed the shorter man into the side of the fire truck.

"You fucking lit your own building on fire?!" He yelled at him.

A shocked expression crossed the mans face.

"I-I didn't think anyone was going to get hurt..." The man quietly defended himself.

"_ Dios mio _ , you lit a fucking _ fire _, of course people would get hurt!" he cried out, shaking him, "My best friend is in there, probably trapped and dying because of you. All because your greedy ass wanted some more money! Do you know what a good man he is?! Mereces estar ardiendo-"

"Diaz! Enough," Bobby shouted sternly behind him, a hand on his shoulder pulling him back.

He dropped the man and turned, realizing what a scene he was making. Athena stood behind her husband shaking her head at him before walking forwards and cuffing the arsonist. The man began grumbling to her about pressing charges as she read him his rights sternly.

Eddie tilted his head down and looked at his bruised hands, not wanting to look his captain in the eyes. He gritted his teeth, anger and shame coursing through him. The point of fighting was to let this out somewhere that wasn’t at home or work, he was losing his grip again.

"Hurting that man will not help Buck. If you want to make yourself useful, then go help Chim," Bobby said, squeezing his shoulder.

"And just let Buck burn alive in that building because of that selfish idiota?!"

Bobby sighed, "Running in there to die with him wouldn't help Diaz. You have to trust that he knows what he's doing. He knew the risk when he went in there."

Eddie should never have let the younger man leave his sight, if he had been with him then maybe he wouldn’t still be in there. The firefighter abruptly felt the same rage and adrenaline course through him that he got right before a fight and tightened his fists.

“I don’t give a damn,” he huffed shoving past the fire chief and running towards the lobby doors. He could faintly here Chim and Bobby shouting after him over the crackling flames above his head but he ignored them, hell bent on finding his best friend. However, as he reached a gloved hand towards the door, it burst open, heat and smoke pouring out as two figures emerged. Buck was carrying a young girl in his arms, around Christopher’s age likely and wrapped tightly in a blanket.

A blur of movement and shouting began as the girl was taken from Buck onto a stretcher but he didn’t pay attention to any of it, only able to focus on one thing. Buck was alive and okay. He rushed forwards to him and the younger man stumbled into him coughing heavily. Eddie pulled his arm around Buck tightly and lead him to the back of an ambulance for evaluation, heart pounding in his chest. Hen nearly shoved Eddie onto the ground as she rushed over, pulling off his helmet and checking him thoroughly. She worked quickly but it felt like forever to Eddie.

“Looks like you got lucky Buckaroo, just probably breathed in a bit more smoke than you should have,” she said, sighing in relief. Eddie released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and Hen glanced at him sideways briefly.

“He’s gonna be just fine, Eddie. I’d just keep an eye on him tonight,” she reassured him in a softer tone. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the way that she had said that to him. Hen left before he even given a chance to thank her or respond, however.

When he turned back to Buck and saw how exhausted the blonde looked.

“Buck, you can’t just try to play hero every damn chance you get,” he said, not intending it to sound as angry as it did.

His friend’s eyes widened in surprise before narrowing at him.

“What and I was just supposed to leave that little girl behind?! What if that had been Christopher?” he asked back angrily.

Eddie was shocked that he would say that to him but bit back his anger because he made a fair point. He had been so focused on Buck being okay that he’d forgotten about her, but that had been exactly what Eddie had thought when he’d seen her in his arms.

“Why? Why does everything have to be a fight with you still? I thought you forgave me, I thought we were good!” Buck continued, voice cracking on the last part and coughing.

Eddies heart broken listening to the sound of it and his frustration faded away quickly. The other man had been through enough today already, he didn’t need Eddies out of control emotions dragging him down too. He put a hand on Bucks shoulder and squeezed it gently.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I would have done the same thing you did. I’m not trying to fight with you cariño, I just thought that I lost you _ again _,” he explained exasperated. 

“Oh.”

“Hen said to keep an eye on you so I’m staying over with you tonight. Christopher is at his abuelas for the weekend,” he said firmly, not asking permission. He slid his hand up from Bucks shoulder to his chin and gently wiped away the soot, watching Bucks eyes soften again finally as he nodded.

It wasn’t until they were in the firetruck on the way back to the station that Buck spoke to him again.

“What does 'cariño' mean?” he asked over the rumbling of the truck beneath them.

“It means dork,” he answered swiftly, dodging the raised eyebrow that Hen gave him. Of course Buck would choose _ now _ of all times to ask that and of course Hen would conveniently know Spanish too. Thankfully Buck just rolled his eyes at him, oblivious to the words actual meaning.

—————————

After only a small amount of fussing that he didn’t need a babysitter, Eddie managed to get Buck into his car and back to his house. He was honestly a little hurt that Buck seemed so against having him over when they used to be so close that he could just waltz in whenever he wanted, but he didn’t mention it. Things were still too fragile between them for him to want to push any potentially touchy topics. Tonight had proven that enough already.

Buck was quiet on the way to his apartment and by the time they arrived Eddie was aching for him to just say something. When he saw him head into the apartment and up his stairs though, he realized it was probably exhaustion causing his silence. The blonde was moving slowly and when he peeled off his shirt to change, Eddie frowned at the fresh bruises on his back. It was nothing compared to the purple marks that lined his own torso, but he still hated to see them.

He knew that it was wrong and that he should look away when his friend continued undressing but something made him keep his eyes on the smooth pale skin. If he was honest with himself, he knew why, and exactly what he wanted. However, he wasn’t ready to deal with that right now too, so he swallowed and pushed the thoughts back. He cared about Buck more than anything (except Christopher) and would never risk losing his friendship for something more. He’d do anything not to lose the younger man out of his life again and he wished Buck knew that. The other firefighter suddenly turned and looked surprised to see him standing there watching him.

“You should put something on those,” he said nodding to the bruises in the hopes it would explain his lingering gaze.

“Huh?” 

Eddie stepped closer and lightly brushed his fingers over the purple spots on his left front shoulder. Bucks breath hitch and froze, eyes falling down to the spot where the brunettes hand was touching. He was unsure if it was out of discomfort or not so he dropped his hand back to his side and stepped back.

“Looks like work is giving you a little more of a beating than you let on,” he mused, breaking the silence.

“It’s just the blood thinners making me bruise easily, I’m fine,” Buck huffed defensively, “If anyone needs to be taking care of their bruises it’s you, Eddie. Don’t pretend that both of us don’t see those bruises you come in to work with!”

“I don’t know what-”

“Fine. Take your shirt off,” Buck demanded, tensions rising between them _ again _.

“No, I-”

“I’m tired of you lying to me, man!” he butted in, voice cracking.

Eddie sighed and reluctantly pulled his shirt over his head, knowing he’d be in trouble either way. Coming clean about this would at least be one thing off of his chest and get it out of the way for later. Bucks eyes grew huge as he took in the mess of mottled purple and green across his torso.

“Eddie…” he breathed out, seemingly at a loss for words.

He looked down at his feet, unable to deal with looking at the horror on the other man's face. He braced himself and waited for the anger to come, the yelling and fighting, but nothing did. He glanced back up and saw instead that Buck had crossed his arms and had tears welling in his eyes that he was doing his best to suppress.

“E-Eddie I’m so sorry. I should have been here for you, I don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into but it’s _ my _fault, isn't it? Everything that’s been going wrong lately, all of this is on me-”

He wanted to fight Buck back on what he was saying so badly, to tell him that it was all his own fault. He started street fighting because he needed an outlet for what he was feeling and had nobody to turn to. So many things were eating away at him and he hadn’t had Buck, which on top of everything else he couldn’t handle too. It was his fault for being so damn angry, at Shannon, at Buck, at himself. Yes, Buck was the one who separated them, but it was _ his _ fault for having attachment issues the way he did after what had happened with Shannon. It was his fault for being so dependent on him and for caring about him as more than just a friend. 

He couldn't say any of that though because Buck was supposed to be his best friend, nothing more. Eddie didn't deserve more, hell he probably didn't even deserve his friendship at this point.

"Eddie, what does that look mean? Please just say something…"

A warm hand had been placed on his shoulder gently and it suddenly alerted him to just how close Buck was now standing. His head was spinning and he wasn't sure if it was the emotions he couldn't control or maybe how hard his head had gotten slammed into the ground the night before. He finally forced himself to look up into those gorgeous blue eyes and saw the same confusion and pain he felt written in them. They were still expectant though and he knew his silence was giving the wrong idea.

"It's not your fault that I reacted the way I did, I just didn't know what to do. Fighting gave me an outlet for everything I was feeling and made me able to forget it all. Forget what a bad father I am, that Shannon is gone, that you were gone, that what we had is gone... No puedo vivir sin ti, Evan," he finally said, wiping a hand over his face.

"What we had?" His friend questioned, brows furrowing together.

"Our friendship," Eddie clarified, "Things aren't the same anymore."

"I want them to be though."

"You don't understand, I can't lose you again. I almost lost you again tonight," he whispered, voice cracking.

"Eddie, I promise you, I won't leave again."

"Shannon said the same thing and then she left like it was nothing. Then she came back and it was okay, and then just like that she was gone again. I can't handle that again, neither can Christopher."

Buck's expression looked pitying as he took in what he was saying. He hated it, he didn't want to be pitied, he just needed the other man to understand. The two of them were always so synchronized, having to explain things with words wasn’t something he was used to.

"I'm not Shannon. I left because I thought it was the only way to get back to the 118 and back to my family, you included. You guys are all I have and all I could ever want. I know now what an impatient idiot I was being, and I'm so sorry. Eddie, I love you. I will never leave you again."

The older man blinked a few times, stunned at what he thought he'd just heard. The light blush appearing across both of Buck's cheeks told him he'd heard him one hundred percent correctly though. He brought his hand up slowly to cup the left side of Buck's face and brush his thumb across the flushed skin.

The moment was making his insides feel like they were melting into a puddle of goo. All of the paranoia and fear he held disappeared as he looked into his eyes. He believed Buck. This was the man he trusted with his life, with his sons life, with anything. It wasn't until now he realized that he'd never trusted anyone the way he did with him. Not his family, not Shannon. That was why he'd been hurt so badly when he thought Buck left him. The other man hadn't left though, he was just trying to get back to him and he should have known that.

"I love you too, Evan," he finally managed to whisper.

Buck let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh thank god. You really left me hanging there for a second jerk," he said, a classic Buck grin forming on his face.

That grin was too much for Eddie to keep resisting though and he quickly pulled him into a kiss that just felt so _ right. _ This was something that he’d been missing without even realizing for months, something that made him feel complete again. Bucks mouth was so warm, his lips so soft and perfect against his own. When they finally pulled apart, they were both breathless.

For the first time in longer than he could remember he felt like things were going to be okay. Whatever came his way, he’d have Buck by his side now and there was nothing else he could want more.

**Author's Note:**

> No puedo vivir sin ti - I can't live without you
> 
> Eddie is an idiot who doesn't realize Buck got abandoned by Abby and he's not the only one. Also people on blood thinners (like me) bruise from literally everything, so poor Buck will always be a bruised mess in his line of work. 
> 
> Please leave kudos if you like it and comment what you think. Drop a prompt too if you’d like and I might write it ;)


End file.
